Estrangement is Strange
Hi. This might make some of my family uncomfortable but telling my story is more important to me. This is just focused on a few exchanges with my father. There is much more.
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In my twenties, dad’s about to move states. Hasn’t supported since child support except for a phone. I chose not to have a phone for a while to escape.
Dad: I’m on sick leave. Its hard. All of it is going toward bills. Can’t sell the house.
Me: I’m barely sustaining myself. How much do you make an hour? (I was struggling in life, no help)
Dad: Same as I would when I was working. 80 an hour. You should see the checks I get. Like a thousand a week.
Me: So what’s the problem?
Dad: nothing its all play money
Me: Where’s it all going then?
Dad: bills. Didn’t save well. Two divorces. K’s high maintenance. (Current wife)
Me: oh.
Later
Dad: so can’t sell the house. Don’t want to let the other one go. Its embarrassing to lost it. So paying for one in myrtle beach right now.
Me: how much?
Dad: an extra thousand per month.
They sold the house. He never asked how I was.
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Dad — bragging about all his girlfriends since I was a kid
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Me: Crying because he moved on from one family to the next too fast after his ex died…I was walking around the house traumatized asking where they went. He told me his wife was more like a housecleaner for him. That’s all it was. Her family was there. Dad said “Shh they will hear you. She could leave me!”
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Dad: Takes a picture of butterflies in my room and gives to another girlfriend. We go into her work and it is hanging there.
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Dad — I found a device he was using to record phone calls of mom and me BY CHANCE which was God.
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In room when I was having physical fatigue and chest pain. I was trying to study products at a new job and I was seeing myself as a different type of learner. I was overall needing comfort and support. (Luckily I found other roles which were more fulfilling but this was a pivotal moment and inspired some branding choices later):
Me to mom and dad:
I want to get tested for learning disability…
Dad - stops paying attention. Looks around room. Over it body language. Shakes his head in annoyance.
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Memory-
Dad: yeah I have to admit I was using EX FIANCE a bit to take care of you during college.
Me- on inside. Always thought neglect was unintentional.
Oh that ex fiance was my greatest abuser. Thanks dad! That had been the problem.
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Kid Sarah
Dad: What if you were born a boy?
Me: Cries wailing as a toddler
Dad: Puts a clown doll by bed to wake up to in terror. Thanks!
Me: Restless due to ADHD walking around his car lot that he owned and not getting any stimulation, care or help. He looked at me like I had three heads and was odd. No accommodations continued to ensue!
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Memory-
Dad takes me to car lot. I am 16 but no license yet. He never taught me how to drive. My ex did when I got to college…BUT…Wants to know opinion of car. I get choked up. Like at Disney world. Think it’s my first car. Later In college without one.
Dad: yeah I’m thinking of getting a sports car to play with
Me: hold back intense tears
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Memory…
Women complaining of his abuse
But “K” “Everyone gives up on him!”
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The first time I ever let it out…in high school:
After E his ex that abused me died…
Me: you ruined my childhood!
Dad: well maybe we shouldn’t be in each others life anymore.
Me: crying “I love you” at the driveway as I leave the car.
Speeds off leaving me in driveway crying. Mom begs him to not leave my life. So he doesn’t. Woe is me.
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Most recent — He came to just talk about me taking care of him as he got older. He spent months not calling then when he did he would say “Keep in touch” in a taunting manner. I had been through a horrible struggle. No comfort. No intervention. No help.
I learned this type of caregiving is “patternless caregiving.”
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It’s okay to let go. This is how I get my peace.
Yeah. It’s over between us.
Move on now.
