Healing Journey

So I have been through an intense emotional healing recently. I had emotional pain within my whole life pretty much. I never really had true relief from it nor did I always experience it. It’s complex! As is life…I came to realize a few things:

1. I can detach rather than try to control something. THIS IS NOT MINDFULNESS. For example, I may experience an exchange with someone who says cruel or off putting things. Rather than react or try to challenge them (if in appropriate context), I can just look away and go lala land for the most part while still engaging if I cannot leave situation. I don’t have to affect how they think. And I can make a plan to leave that situation once I can. Justice can come sweeping in at the right time. I don’t have to confront everything every moment.
2. This emotional intense clearing came over me and I felt this love in my heart. It was there like this before I met someone in high school who totally destroyed me with her self-pity then abuse rather than appreciate when I would have done the world for them because they were suffering. They made up things about that. I had never been used to that degree or experience someone’s fake humanity or inspirational connecting moments. They were ALL fake. I realized I became a bit hardened after that. There was this blockage from every risking that again. That will go into the next part…
3. My humanity is that I am where I am in life and will not share all but I’m ready to connect. I say this because I had to be this robot almost to avoid being attacked by people. I don’t know why people react me at times. Girls all my life were mean girl bullies to me. I’m finally letting myself be human and embarrass myself and make mistakes and be quirky. I no longer need validation AT ALL. I know I’m hilarious and brilliant and sweet and sincere. I know to value the right things.
4. I had this moment in college where I had the thought “I just want to be good.” I’m trying to stay her. But I’ve also grown to know that not everyone will reciprocate or appreciate it. I have to protect my heart in a different way now.
5. I’m not just an activist. I was such in intense survival mode due to some psychopaths I had to escape from. I never knew what was going to happen to me so I tried to put out as much light as I could. All I focused on was saving myself in any way possible. I want to let my heart rest now and live.
6. Gene Wilder saved me from myself. I will go into that story one day…
7. Lastly — Healing isn’t that life is perfect. But the love and joy I feel is overwhelming. I’ve had some off putting comments lately from a new professional in my life and I let them bounce off me. I’ll deal with it later ;) I’m so thankful to feel emotionally cleansed with all my life struggles in the past. I am letting myself be a new Sarah now. Vulnerable and raw to the light at the end of the tunnel. By the way this is coming from someone with a near death experience which in my way redefines religion and everything.

Bye!