Job Interview Like Me to Succeed By Sarah Jeanne Browne

Hi, I’m Lyle. So I’ve been interviewing for jobs. I won’t list them all here. I worked with a staffing agency to get me temp jobs and anything that could cover my bills. Some are contracts but could lead to long term. I’m not sure what exactly went wrong with a few of them. But I’m happy with how it turned out. Perhaps you could learn something. I’ve been living in my parents’ basement so I figured it was time to make it on my own. Well…if anything I could always return home.

Starting with a Staffing Agency…

Staffing Agency Interviewer: Your resume says “NA” on every line. Job history…NA. School…NA. References…NA. And so forth. But at the bottom is scribbled in…Batman?

Me: Nananana Batman!

Interviewer: …

Me: …

Interviewer: …

Me: Sorry I have to go. I have just been summoned. The Batman Symbol shines on!

Interviewer: Where?

Me: *Already gone.*

Interviewer: You are right behind me, aren’t you?

Me: Yes. You got me. I’m a little rusty at this. But I do move fast. I had to fix your toupee. It was sliding off.

Interviewer: You’re my hero! We’ll get you set up with interviews right away. Wait, where did you go?

Me: I’m just on your ceiling now. I thought I saw a spider so I leapt.

Interviewer: Wait…spider…like…Spiderman? Wait, you’re scared of such a little thing. But bats eat bugs, don’t they?

Me: I didn’t know you’d be screening me on being a scaredy cat.

Interviewer: Catwoman…man? Make up your mind.

Me: I’m a man of many talents.

Interview: I applaud you.

Me: *falls on top of interviewer*

Interviewer: Well you certainly make an impression. Now get off me. You ruined my toupee.

Me: Right.

First Job Interview:

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I just really really want a job. Please? Can you hire me? Please. I beg you. Can you just do it?

Interviewer: Um…

Me: I really really really want it. *stomps and pouts*

Interviewer: You know what you want and you go for it.

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: Would you like to go for a walk?

Me: Yes.

Interviewer: My secretary will show you out the door.

Second Job Interview:

Interviewer: Tell me about your background.

Me: Well behind me is a white wall. There is some nice decoration. A fern. I’d call him Larry. I think he’s conspiring with the other plants in the building. They’ve been gossiping about us the whole time. A poster with the words “The only thing holding your back is you.” I guess I do hold my back. I have a history of back problems. There’s a window but it looks out at a parking lot. I suppose it’s a good view. If you like…looking into nothing…a void…the abyss of automobiles…to see a dead-end…of quiet desperation…a scenic view of course.

Interviewer: The quote reads “The only thing holding YOU back is you”…But I digress. Are you just describing your surroundings?

Me: I know I will really blend in here. I’m bland. Boring. And totally unoriginal.

Interviewer: Hmm, you don’t really stand out to me so I’m concluding this interview.

Me: Oh no I went the wrong way with it!

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Third Job interview:

Interviewer: What are your long-term goals?

Me: Well eventually I’ll die one day. I don’t know when that will be. It could be today. It could be tomorrow. We will all die. Isn’t that something? Everything is temporary. This office is temporary. You are temporary. And I’m about to be a temp. I think we could relate on that. I could get this job. I could even replace you! I think I’d like to move up fast. But of course…as nature takes its course.

Interviewer: This interview is dead.

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Final Job Interview:

Interviewer: Why are you here?

Me: My therapist recommended I get out more. It’s not necessarily that I want to be a hermit. I just want to see sunlight.

Interviewer: There is no sunlight in this office. In fact, you rarely if ever leave. The hours are long. There’s a copious amount of work. How would this suit you?

Me: I already sob all day. Why not do it in a productive capacity?

Interviewer: So, you’re miserable and want to come here to be more miserable?

Me: Yes. I brought my emotional baggage. It’s sitting next to me. I’d like to leave it in your office.

Interviewer: Set it with the others in the Crybaby Corner. Welcome to the team!

We both cried. But me more so. Finally! My parents’ can have peace of mind that I’m out of my mind.

What job did I get? “The Fool.” I guess that will add that to my first thing on my resume since all of it is NA.