Personal Reflection 1/14/25

Sarah Jeanne Browne
7 min readJan 15, 2025

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Okay time to spill my spiritual experiences and inspirations.

  1. YA — twin story Payton and Yvonne. The twin Yvonne died at birth and guides her as a spirit. And also about other losses. But I have a character named Everard. He is Payton’s love interest. He wants to climb Mount Everest. Yes that is purposeful. So I have had inspiration for many things with this books. I decided to put him a coma due to the show Everwood. So this happened — Treat from the show who passed came through and regretted their coma plotline, that she essentially cheated and moved on while the boyfriend was in a coma. The love triangle thing I do as well. But this way…She doesn’t leave Everard while he’s in a coma. She waits for him. Thanks Treat!
  2. All my children’s books have just been flowing out my fingers. Two I had dreams of the same night — Nobody, The Listener and Fragment of Forgiveness. I finished both by 1/14/25. I have had older versions of books. I had a mental breakdown in Dec 2015 and lost so much. Amnesia, loss of knowledge, inability to put sentences together. I worked 24/7 to get it back. I had to decide — do I re-educate myself? Or do I follow my spark? I found ways to look at things from new angles. I found what I love versus what I was told to love. So now to get this far where it’s spiritual writing is amazing!
  3. YA again — Payton becomes singing superhero Paycat and will time travel and help people everywhere with her singing. I opened it up this way so it can be fun and creative. Not just every random person she meets on the street. It got to contribute to the ending lines of my YA. Yay!
  4. Personal life — My dog Lady passed in April at 2:22am. It’s been the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had. I heard her dog collar jingle later. Then I had a dream she wanted me to be an activist for her. SO I AM LISTING THESE PRODUCTS THAT TOOK ME 4 VETS TO FIGURE OUT: Anal gland help yes (Sometimes I had to stick my finger up her butt to fix on my end. I’ll do anything for love! Yes with a glove or something) monthly, metrinozidole (sp?), tramadol (briefly for a mysterious pain that left so we weaned her off at the right time) > gabapentin BUT she had pain four times a day. I could only give her tramadol three. I gave her gabapentin the other time. Later my vet happened to mention gabapentin comes in flavors or I could put a drop in her ear. Anyways I did that before she passed due to a backache from a fall and chiro making it worse (it was better at first) the same day I put her to sleep but I’ll get into that. But it would have been nice to know! I had to let her bite me due to her trauma as I put peanut butter with the pill powder in it. She wouldn’t eat it any other way. She outsmarted it. It took just a few moments before the pain would then pass. She had itchy skin AND a hot spot. The vet had an itch shot I was told worked more overtime and more often you go. I finally found Genesis Itch Spray worked on her hotspot. Without either she was itchy everywhere all day. I once tried the itch shot once and it didn’t do anything. Later I was told again it takes more than one dose overtime. So I found a way to help before her itch got worse and I resumed that treatment (of course after they clarified). There was Zesty Paws Immune Support vitamins. She enjoyed eating them. Her eyes bothered her more at the end. You have to find the RIGHT eye wash and it has to say “eye wash.” Really research this. If she had an itch on her tummy I got topical cream and it worked. She got sick now and then since I got her. I found PROBIOTIC TOOK IT MOSTLY AWAY IF NOT ALL AWAY FOR A WHILE. She was smacking her lips one night so I got her on prozyme which stopped it. I believe that is also what the M pill was for too. She has nausea meds but there were limited ones and of course she wouldn’t take while sick. That was tough. I also got her on benedryl which luckily didn’t give her side effects. Then acid reflux med and prescription acid reflux food. I think that’s all I found. I would give anything to have known all this at the start. The vet brought up probiotic twice before the second time deciding to put her on it. I was so mad! Anyways she started to lose her ability to chew. She was going deaf and had some trouble seeing. I had to wave from my couch for her to see me one day. Then she hurt her back. Everynight she would come to me to massage it and the pain would pass enough that she would be comfortable again. That was God, man! The chiro then made it worse and the day of I knew the meds weren’t touching the pain. I had an inner voice say it is time. I collect 222s. I wasn’t the one to point this out. At the Er she had a BIG room to feel more comfortable. She hated small rooms and hated our vet. I gave her a lot of water and held her and comforted her. I told her “You’re going sleepiez. It’s beddyby time.” I would say that when I went to bed as she would go to bed when I did. I had arrived around 2am. After it was done it was pointed it is was 2:23am by someone else. So she passed at 2:22am. I almost lost my faith due to all this but she was the happiest most trusting dog despite her trauma from past owners. F them by the way. I let her bite me all the time. She was a pekingese. I knew how to comfort her. She didn’t cuddle all the time. But I would pick her up and hold her until she wanted to be let go. She was so emotional and human in so many ways. I don’t think I could get a dog again. I was in a situation I could be with her 24/7. I want to help animals who struggle. I’m already vegan. I knew not to give her vegan food. Not yet is that solved.
  5. I had a dream months ago…I was napping. I rarely ever fall asleep during the day. I fell asleep for literally a nanosecond. I dreamt of a flash of Jesus say “You live with me.” I moved out not long after and eventually got a new place!
  6. I had a dream of blue butterflies. The first time it was when I was studying grieving kids. I went through a program I heavily disagreed with. I came up with my own theory after reading a grief program with a Blue Butterfly program. I also put it as a motif in my books. Some of them. No spoilers there though. Then months later…I had a dream of a ton of blue butterflies flying across a purple sky. There was the message of “Something bad will happen but it will be okay.” Then I had a dream of a blue butterfly leaving its cocoon. Lastly I had a dream of the blue butterfly say “I’m free.” I was saved. :)
  7. I had a dream of my friend who died by suicide. The first was him hugging me saying “I’m sorry I left you.” Recently through this hard time, in a dream he sat across from me and gave all this reassurance. I would honor his life in my own way. I would advocate for the mentally ill in any way I could.
  8. I had studied and deconstructed self-help so much that I had my own theories. I know CBT isn’t fully the answer. We don’t all have a negativity bias. Etc etc. When professionals brought this stuff up in a facility I knew how to check their mistakes. They also didn’t know critiques to theories such as Maslow’s Law. They “prescribed” it all as absolute truth. (They said they prescribe, do not teach when I tried to question it)…I got to report some shit and gave feedback they wouldn’t have otherwise had. I’ve done a lot in this arena. Such as the PA State Board and other orgs. I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes in this lifetime to know what doesn’t work. And what does. My own theories. :)
  9. If I had not been in certain places at certain times to intervene or witness thing…omg…I am influencing things unseen. Little example as I won’t share it all — I was creating memes and a person who quickly came in and out of my life circumstantially saved it and taught me things no one else ever did. Not even a website I used to help with memes and more! We just happened to be up at 2am at the same time. lol. yay hyperfocus.
  10. Lastly…I will share one more spiritual experience. I used my imagination all my life to escape oppression. Mindfulness would have killed me. I had to 24/7 react to things and move quickly and occupy my brain with proactive goals to survive horrors. So I realized this — centering prayer can replace atheist mindfulness. You bring God into it. As long as I know I truly did everything I could to save my dog…I won’t leave God. But it was so hard. It still is. I am a grief advocate but this is the first time it’s ever hit me like this. And I invite it. I don’t want it solved. I want to fight for animals like her. I know now animals shouldn’t be left alone all day. They need emotional support and stimulation if a pet, not in wild with their family etc. Vets aren’t being trained right. I had to find four vets for different pieces of the puzzle. One vet thought her sickness came from the itch shot and didn’t listen to the context it started before that. He wouldn’t let me talk. I had to push back so many professionals in my life. I never fought for anything like I did that dog…and I’ve saved animals and people alike. This was another case. I know I gave her a great life. Anyways I wanted to understand grief…it decided to choose me. I will never move on. That’s how I love.

Thanks for reading. Hope it all made sense. I just needed an outlet for that.

Sarah

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Sarah Jeanne Browne
Sarah Jeanne Browne

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