Personal Reflection 1/19/25
- Finished Jaleel White’s book — wow, so humble and grounded. I pray for good things for him…I loved Urkel as a kid!
- My webbysite is updated for realz now
- I’m really proud of two humorist pieces I wrote
- I have my YA’s Payton friend group completed and how she finds them. She cannot be a total recluse. But she found resilience through it.
- YA — UPDATED — Finalized YA synopsis and details: You Are The Reason My Skye Is Blue by Sarah Jeanne Browne:
- “The mortal moon hath her eclipse endured.” ~Shakespeare’s Sonnet 107
- Synopsis: Payton Rose Blakely’s grandfather Mitch was a lawyer who inspired her trajectory along with trauma to prepare her whole life for Harvard Law (of course for eventual grad school not undergrad). They talked about life when she was little before he died and in their talk of morality, she realized, “Doing good makes you feel good.” However, she didn’t know what that good looked like. She struggled with her parents’ divorce, her mom, Vivi’s (short for Paraskevi Paraskevopoulou), alcoholism, and her stepmom, Corelle who considered herself the greatest Life Coach to ever live but ironically had no idea about life and just copied others’ tricks in the trade, trying to force a family. Payton didn’t share it with anyone though, but her true dream was to sing. It took meeting Skye, a stranger running away from human traffickers at a train station, to convince Payton to live for her own song and to find her voice. They found love in a short amount of time teaching Payton that love is beyond reason and made a pinky promise to always be authentic. Skye lost her daughter, Raven. As Payton tried to pen her own tale of a hero to her, Skye left with a message that self-destructed before Payton could follow her, leaving her despondent and desperate for love and not just performing acts of kindness. Payton was swept up in a love triangle when she reconnected with her childhood love, Everard Dean Westwood, whose incandescence and innocence drew her in. They planned to host a suicide prevention ball in memory of his dad Forsyth a firefighter who died by suicide. It was largely suspected it wasn’t just mental health but a feeling of failure for not saving a little girl, Lenore. Everard had his own brush with death. He wanted to climb mountains, eventually Mount Everest. However he first traveled to Morocco where his family is from to check out the High Atlas Mountains. There was an earthquake, and he went into a coma. Payton chose to wait for him, even if he never returned in this life. Payton’s stepbrother, Aonas, was an autistic child perseverating on weather topics where they made their own creatures such as Cyclone Cyclops but he saw through his own third eye with seer-like qualities. Payton’s twin Yvonne who died at birth appeared to transform Payton into singing superhero Paycat who could travel beyond space and time to save lives. Yvonne shot the Arrow of Authenticity into the hearts that needed to be healed with a different take on law vs ethics. But Yvonne couldn’t stay. There was some price to be paid. Meanwhile Grier Yeakley, a little person who detests that people think she’s just a jest and that Payton wants to be the best, runs her life on the basis of rumors. Payton joins Grier’s minions I mean friends, Achu Chatterjee (blessed beyond belief with a lot of chattering), Morticia Dai (with a macabre sense of humor who was also in a band called Endarkenment as a pianist known for always playing her favorite song “Funeral March” by Frédéric Chopin, the third movement of Chopin’s Piano Sonata #2 in B-flat Minor, Opus 35, “Marche funèbre”), and Limbus Finito (someone who goes out on a limb for many but remains in his own limbo). Limbus was just a man slave to Grier, but he wanted to be so much more. This is not just a tale of feminism but finding love in all manners…even if it leads to incredible loss. The Brilliant Road of spiritual authenticity revealed itself to Payton. She had to surrender to find her footing. Every road has its reason, to rise above to unseen brilliance.
Payton’s class list (so far). Dystopian Lit; Encountering the Holocaust through Literature; Fashion Design; Ethnomusicology; Bioethics; Democratic Origins with a focus on Ancient Greece; Global Politics; and Transformative Justice. Some of these are from George School so will get in touch with them at some point.
Co-curricular transcript
Music club
Mock Trial Team
International Affairs club
Honors society
Debate Team
Future Leaders of America
Model United Nations
Musical Theatre
Amnesty International
Vegan Club
And Academic Decathlon
Yeah I know.
There is a Sphinx. Just a warning. You’ll have to get through them too!
Magical realism + prescription/inspiration + exploration of faiths in general + dramatic monologues + literary nonsense + poetic/rhymy + music therapy + dark comedy + motifs — rose, brilliant road, authenticity, heart shaped red balloon, raven, Unseen Brilliance, and more + allusions to certain works in literature + teaching through literature + suicide prevention workshops + themes of grief, resilience, LGBTQ issues, race, gender, education system/elitism, autism, disability, rights in general, and love and romance, and more!
Vivamus, moriendum est
8. YA again — I know how to make Payton and Yvonne annoy each other. Sailor Moon kinda helped me see that type of interaction with siblings or others.
9. I’m figuring out some vegan food is VERY unhealthy and bad for you.
10. Gene Wilder — has been inspiring all my work. I feel like I have a refined old man’s sense of humor at times.
11. I have a new photoshop of my Audrey pic, though not sure if it’s the final version but it’s an improvement.
12. I no longer believe I have bipolar. I do not experience depression. If anything maybe mania. But I see more autism and adhd and ocd. Hm! I get creative surges — autistic hyperfocus. I do have executive functioning and dyscalculia struggles.
13. This is a lot to share and probably premature — but my partner Levi saved my life recently. I won’t say more. Thank you.
14. My books are finalized AND I used past drafts portions for current.
15. I finished my wisdom memes. I’m making it officially done as my website gallery for them does not allow more. Whee!
16. My last two books to write are YA — You Are the Reason My Skye is Blue and Abra’s Meredi of Magical Creatures. The latter has pink hair. I found some memes online. I realized I shouldn’t share memes of creatures on deposit. I will make them completely my own! Unseen Brilliance is a memoir on backburner. And I put a few portions of past drafts of any book into my current books so there’s a little more work to do.
17. I’m currently reading TJ Klune’s work. He inspired making my characters imperfect and realized they don’t have to tell MY story. They can have dark humor and more. I have mainly an inspirational speaker type of life. I can play with their humanity and do some satire. I also made Payton a brunette who is known for her intellect to counter than I am a dumb blonde. I can speak for both of us! :)
18. The Little Green Bookstore had a visit from Bill Clinton recently! My fav place in the world ❤ It’s like a portal that brings me what I need in that moment. Right now I’m comparing myself to Educated by Tara Westover (who said to not weaponize resilience and I like that!). I lost so much after a breakdown that I could barely put sentences together. I followed my spark to what I want to learn and grow with now.
19. This will be my YA character Morticia Dai (asian)’s tattoo (irony = I regret mine):
20. I edited old memes and finished my book memes and wisdom memes. I may have some silly misc memes in the future.
21. I discovered Rosemerry Wahtola Trummer. I love how she does things. I cannot write like her. We have different styles. Speaking of…I was complimented recently on having my own style. My own voice. Finding matches in the industry has been the challenge.
22. Okay I’m having a spiritual moment — friend who died by suicide is coming through: “You have writing goals completed. Don’t worry about older drafts, just be with your heartfelt love of God. You will be all done one day. And move onto other things. For now, save yourself. Let others find their way. I did all I could to save myself but the system made it hard for me too. I do not blame you. Lastly, please do not extend any peace offering to abusers — they see you rising and just want to use you.”
23. I once believe Phillip Seymour Hoffman has come through a few times. “~I promise to always be authentic… or do I? What does that mean?
You found something greater than your circumstance — it’s love. Love. Not just authenticity. Authenticity will get you fired from a job. Authenticity will crush people if they have fear and excuses and regret in their way. Authenticity made people run from your goodness. No, you are not after authenticity. You are after rebellion from a world without true rights focus.~”
24. I was tested on Gene Wilder and cancel culture. He is good. So that’s that. I had a dream he told me “Don’t lead with leadership. Lead with lunacy.” That’s two things for me — getting into silliness and literary nonsense. But also making meaning of having had any mental health issues. I don’t know if that makes sense. He made me feel like there’s still a chance for me. That I’m still worth it. I know my past sickness scared off abusers…abuse destabilizes me. I got back up. Gene is Gilda’s to save in heaven now. I don’t worry about defending any of his choices.
25. I’ve had a few other readings. MLK “It’s coming through you like it came through me.” & MLK “I uplift you because you uplift others.” Handing Jesus a red rose on the cross. Anne Frank “We’re all having a party in heaven.” God saying Jeanette van Geldern in a dream “Look how beautiful she is.” A holocaust victim. And the last one I will reveal is a near death experience with vieled aspects I had to decontrust overtime along with more insights. I am done solving spirituality now. :) I have a simple dream — that no one think me special. I am a simple humble person who shares her wins because they came to me through intense horror and hardship. Girls see a happy smiling blonde and try to say I’m just a show off. I paid my dues and have nothing to prove. I did the hard work of making connection on my own. I look forward to one day going home… I’ve lived a thousand lifetimes in this lifetime. I do not believe my peers can relate to me. I also have a dream with branding to be like a mom to the world. I know that’s weird.
26. I have a gift and I’m keeping it from exploitation. I have intense critical thinking skills where I harness spirituality for it. But I’m not using it ever again. It’s all out there my views. Butttt….should anything happen to my site, here ya go: My views on random things
once upon a time the world got it wrong…now we can make it right!
Dune: Unethical test, should have taken hand out of pain box.
Eye in the Sky — DON’T SACRIFICE THE LITTLE GIRL FOR ANY REASON.
Harry Potter: Hagrid was supposed to take him away from his abusive family FOR GOOD. But he stayed there due to a dumb magical law. Lazy writing. His scar angst was overdone. I get it, you’re unhappy! Hermione should have been in a better position to lead. Her banter with Ron is not a healthy relationship. Bad boundaries with adults — Dumbledore. Abuser apologetic about Snape just being bullied by James and in love with Lily. He wasn’t just playing both sides. He was literally an abuser to Harry. He could have just been distant. Idolizing Lily is something that happens with grieving kids — leave the idolization. This was clearly written by a kid mindset thinking she was relating to kids. Diversity not well done. Mainly mentions. Dumbledore is gay — in our minds! Not in the Harry Potter books. Raising a child via books like this isn’t good. It was intense buildup and hype and world building that was beautiful and flawed. It was a cultural phenomenon. It was not a literary achievement. If you write for one age, it must stay for that age. You can’t raise Harry through different books and different ages and expect only the current Harry Potter age to read it. Everyone will! They will assume it is kid safe. (Was it always kid safe?) Hogwarts was dangerous and should have been shut down. Things always have a way of revealing themselves. If something is called HOGWARTS, it’s not an ideal place to be. It’s not a joyous place to be. It’s self-degrading name. Dumbledore’s wand not well hidden? The baby in the movie playing Harry Potter looks traumatized by Lily crying and saying he is loved. Child star laws need to change in general.
ACOTAR series by Sarah Maas (I’m too lazy to write out the name forgive me but I’ve deconstructed a lot here so you can chill oops I just wrote all that) — Love triangle was not set up properly. You can’t just undo the first love with new logic. Only sexual. No intimacy or real romance. A woman has to give a man food for love? Not YA. Adult only. They DID change that but damage is done. Nesta doesn’t need to be saved. She said it herself. The author still made her characters do it. Codependency and boundary issues ensure that Nesta may break from a hiking experience and find some comfort but she is responsible for herself. Just cut her off. She must face herself on her own if she abuses others.
A Streetcar Named Desire and a certain scene in Cool Hand Luke are too adult for high schoolers.
Ethan Frome is boring to highschoolers too.
Perks of Being a Wallflower — “We accept the love we think we deserve” is victim blaming. He didn’t intervene or report a rape he witnessed. They just slashed their tires since it was a couple. Unnecessarily triggering for those with PTSD. His sister VERBALLY ABUSED her boyfriend and her boyfriend PHYSICALLY ABUSED HER. They were both abusers. Neither justified the other’s. No sob story sentiment didn’t extend to everyone. Sam is older than Charlie and they had a romantic thing but in high school, each year is literally a lifetime. That was not appropriate either. He is also seemingly emotionally stunted by child abuse. The first scene of crying about a friend’s suicide — well…they just mentioned it and left it. There are books that mention topics that are taboo just to mention them or try to touch on everything. This is a wallflower. There are no perks. He remained a kid mentality.
Lord of the Rings — Rings of Power is not Tolkien’s will or IN his will. Too much reliance on CGI hurt the actor who played Gandalf. The Hobbit was not taken seriously. That’s honestly my favorite one! Sam did most of the heavy lifting. Bilbo wasn’t corrupted like this and once he felt it he left it. Frodo just followed behind and fell down. Why weren’t the eagles the first use for transporting the ring? Love the literature but there are some plot holes. Still cute! The movies also didn’t adhere to the books in terms of timeline. Gandalf took a VERY long time deciding on that ring.
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I didn’t feel like typing this.
Barbie — Kids should have toys, dolls or content made for kids with kids. Pre-puberty. Sorry not obvious “parts.” Movie made for adults about a kid’s toy = No. Not saying kids need babydolls. But perhaps dolls their age? This goes for everything!
Mr. Roger’s puppet Elaine scared and traumatized me. The repetition of changing clothes is mostly what I remember and a bit disturbed from that too. But I don’t remember all of it. I’m not saying that was intentional. I just know what I feel is that TV for kids isn’t right. Bring entertainment into the home or with in person programs.
The black best friend with no humanity or real storyline = No.
Avatar — I’ve seen the critiques of its white savior mentality.
Titanic — Real love wouldn’t have jumped back onto the ship. I will add it’s a bit different if you’re both old. She had a lot of life to live. She said it — she would rather be Jack’s whore than other man’s wife (forget name). They acted fast before the ship was sinking to be sexual. He drew prostitutes. She told him to treat her like one. Well he did but she paid him. That is not enough time to connect and have an intense love story. Perhaps if anything it could bring people to have greater integrity with the whole rich vs. poor mentalities. You can still try to save each other. And even say love in the final moments. But they were moving pretty fast before the ship went down. He just preyed on her another way, by being an artist and seeing the humanity in women who fall down that far. And made an ableist joke about one with one leg. That he couldn’t love her. They just laughed at it. Molly Brown DID go back for people. The movie depicts her not doing so. This is a travesty.
Titanic is cursed. Leave it alone.
In general, exploiting great suffering, tragedies or trauma of individuals is not right.
Christmas is a term for a religious holiday. Happy holidays is best to use for many reasons. However, the whole Santa thing and telling kids to sit on an old man’s lap without question or getting real consent AND singing he sees you when you’re sleeping and knows when you’re awake…creeper alert? This is weird, man. Also it’s about GIVING not GETTING! Waking up to Santa’s presents isn’t the excitement. Let’s volunteer at a food bank or do something as a family. Not have a stranger speak for us.
Audrey Hepburn said it herself in this interview that people embellish and fabricate the extent of her resistance efforts/acts during WW2. Despite any author claiming many witnesses or that she is downplaying here due to the context or trying to take the spotlight off her, her body language is EXTREMELY IN THE MOMENT AND SINCERE. I won’t name this reference of a book I’m mentioning. The publisher knows.
This is going to sound strange but I feel I’ve decoded Mona Lisa body language as tense and angry underneath a knowing smile. It’s captivating because it’s sending two different signals — opposing feelings. The lack of smile is telling but also the eyebrows are sort of amusement like she’s giving off a feeling of superiority. This is refined character. She knows when someone is corrupt. Her arms crossed is hesitation to trust and also taking a strong stance in her individuality that she doesn’t let anyone too close…which sounds like Leonardo da Vinci who wrote in code as backwards writing. It’s the opposite of what it seems to mean. That’s his character development. He sees himself reflected in her — he’s not enough for her. And that’s his own misery. She’s a lover to him and an object of attraction due to intellect, something he values that maybe he doesn’t see. She’s the first to leave you lonely should you cross her. Self-worth is a testimony to his own strength as a person that he considers her above him. Oh…and she’s not just pissed. She’s fuming. The smile isn’t just small, it’s slightly pursed like extremely tense. It’s an icy look. There’s a regal quality despite the dress being dull in a sense. Okay I’m done! She has character and she’s mad at you behind the smile. She is WATCHING you for unethical qualities. She can find them. She drove him mad too. She is displeased. He is just her pawn. She’s clearly a player.
Robert Hanssen let Eric O’neill catch him. He loves Eric. It was on purpose. Robert preferred Russia. That’s a spiritual idea. I don’t know if it’s true. He likes the actor who played him. He was after something I cannot see.
Pride and Prejudice was about love vs money and it doesn’t matter because she didn’t get out of her station or situation or solve any social issues on her own. We will never know her true motivations. Except the title reveals it — Pride and Prejudice.
Kid and adult humor must not coexist in any context.
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I like using the word “autist” to describe myself as autistic. It’s okay if you don’t, but I do like own terms instead of just *identity first language vs person first language. If we can do that in other categories would be great thanks as it’s confusing how it changes all the time.
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Everyone is their own diagnosis. Sorry not sorry.
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CBT assumes everyone thinks in some “irrational” way. Well guess what? Our thoughts are not in direct lines like that. They’re freaking everywhere! Like …you can think negative thoughts and still be right. IT IS POSSIBLE!
It’s okay to catatrophize.
We don’t all have a negativity bias.
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Life can be terrifying. Surrender!
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Animals need a lot of help from us. Sanctuaries exploit timid animals to tours with people who are forward with their aggressive affection. Factory farms are wrought with abuse. NO CHANGE IN LAWS. Surveys and just harassing businesses doesn’t really work. The mainstream media won’t pick it up. Start there.
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Do not choose between Palestine and Israel. The history there is buffering it but it’s complex. Palestine refused the independent state a few times. Understanding that is not something we can fully do. Just love people.
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We should not have left Afghanistan that way.
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Law of Least Effort is the only New Agey thing plus surrendering that works. Reiki twists positivity by forcing it in negative situations. “readings” in general and searching for dark things brings on demonic forces.
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You can be a Christ Follower if Christianity is too difficult to believe in or understand. It’s hard once you connect with Jesus to move on from that love. Miracles happen but many times they do not. Do not force this on kids.
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We need to find abusers fast in all systems and situations. Kids are not being saved. The foster system is poorly designed too.
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It’s okay to be maternal all your life and also be a feminist. It’s part of my identity even without kids.
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It’s okay to be saved by someone. It’s not okay for someone to possess your identity. DIFFERENCE!
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The ed system rewards the most able.
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The mental health system has sick professionals that defend the system and deter accountability.
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Therapy isn’t comfort. It’s control of thoughts and perceptions.
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People need time to figure out they were once abused. They may not understand.
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Help kids not idolize those who pass. Don’t put pressure on anyone to take that person’s place who passed. And no platitudes please. Meaning is up to that person.
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Lastly, you don’t need to forgive anyone. It will come for you when it’s ready. I took back my forgiveness of an abuser who manipulated me to come to them due to their cancer. They ALL do this stuff.
Thanks!
