Personal Reflection 1/25/22
I know what it’s like to lose everything to a bad life circumstance and then rebuild rebuild rebuild and rebrand. I think that shows my dedication, vigor and power. I never let anything overtake me. Even at my worst, I held onto God. I didn’t know I’d be this happy one day. But I’m very happy and pleased with my brand, writing, closure with life, personal life and goals. Everything is set up and I can stop searching so hard for ways to rebuild.
This isn’t to say I’m relaxing but I’m enjoying life now completely. I also healed from significant trauma recently, and it was quite powerful. I get meditation visions and I had one where my trauma was rocky waves, and Jesus was pulling me up from it. I also saw that my dreams were coming true, I just had to wrestle with my trauma and life to get there.
I have more faith than most people in my situations. I saw people lose themselves in life. I saw people use and misuse. I saw people abuse. I saw people turn from God.
I didn’t turn from God. I ran to Him.
That is all we need to do.
I have a strong vision for my life now. It just needs time for me to write books.
I’ve been on disability to get my bipolar meds right. Now that we checked some things, I am on the right meds for life. In a year or so, I’ll look for a job. I need to use this time to finish my books and build some skills.
Meaning a large chapter of my life is over. The chapter where I fought to save myself from hardship and mental breakdowns. I can’t believe I survived all that!
In my last medium post, I asked “Where was God?” when it came to certain things. Well I see Him!
I wrote a YA mostly done. I just need to flesh it out. I have a bunch of books I am writing (some not on site yet) and I love writing powerful articles for Forbes and other places. I’m truly expressing my needs again and making friends all over the place (literally because I’m a twitter addict LOL).
I think this is what people need- to get to a place like this. I’m no guru with a perfect life but I can say that it’s worth following my wisdom to get to this point.
I am living for the right reasons and doing the right things. So what if my life doesn’t look like others’? I am living for me. It’s okay to be disabled. Mine is temporary but it can happen to anyone. I used to be ashamed of my struggles. Now I’m like “Rebrand it! Let’s use it for activism!” lol. That’s just how I make meaning. I have made meaning from my past with all my writing and work so I feel done with my past completely. Like I’ve finished something great.
I have a memoir done and will use aspects of it to tell my story on various platforms until I can figure out how to publish it. I have many books in the works. I am a Forbes writer. I have volunteer work with a few places that I love. I have causes I live for. I have friends to support my goals and cheer me on. I don’t do public speaking anymore but I know I helped youth with past speaking and workshops.
I am extremely proud of myself. I even solved my meds and the side effects! That was probably my hardest journey because it felt like there was no end to it. I hope better meds come out one day for bipolar. I’ve solved my weight with steel cut oats (meds increase appetite) which I have to eat everyday. I learned that the hard way. I stopped eating it a bit then the holidays came and I overeat cookies and things from family gatherings. My appetite went right back up! So I essentially have to be extremely healthy. Steel cut oats righted that hunger. I know now to keep with it.
My faith journey has been interesting. I’ve documented some of it in my writing such as these medium posts. I have struggled so much for so long but now it’s all finally over! I can breathe again.
My trauma is healed. Like completely. I just had a huge breakthrough with it all. I’ve had many breakthroughs in life. It was like this- I was sitting with the silence and meditated. I got the spiritual vision of a baby crying representing my inner child. She wanted held, love and oxytocin to feel good. So I imagined myself giving this baby to Jesus. She felt peace and calm after. Mindful silence has been nursing her back to life. It’s odd. I don’t know what truly created this disconnect between my inner child and myself, but I do know that I am healing it.
I had a vision of a brain with a lightning bolt hitting it. That was trauma. Then I had a vision of the cross replacing the lightning bolt.
Aren’t these visions cool? Lol. They help me see what is going on.
I don’t know how anyone emotionally survives without Jesus. I don’t think they truly do.
I was once an atheist briefly and it was the angriest time of my life. When I went back to God, I healed that anger from injustices in life. I couldn’t cope as an atheist. I know the positive transformation that comes with faith.
I have so many ideas. I’ve always been like this- ADD attention span where I keep grabbing onto more and more. But now that I’m on bipolar meds and stable and happy and rebuilt my life, I have all the ideas done. I know what I want from this life and how to get it. It may be a unique dream but it’s my dream.
I also think my spirit guide visited me in a dream as Luna from Sailor Moon thanking me for helping cats. I felt like it took on that character to show me it was there. I do believe in guides, angels and Jesus. I do love reiki for animals but I think Christ should be a part of it. I’ve tried reiki myself and it helped open up blockage with trauma so it DOES work. Is it totally with God though? No. Everything needs Jesus to be righted.
I think God used my journey to show people that faith works. It really does.
I have accepted my shortcomings and limitations. I know I’m autistic- I just do. I have self-diagnosed but I can’t exactly explain why. There are some things I will keep to myself. I know that my brain has done amazing things. For example, I once figured out a cyber school was fraudulent or had fraudulent qualities. It was guided by inner wisdom.
God comes to me in meditation visions. They are usually very simple. Just an image representing things. I am seeing one now of a void in us all. The only thing that can fill it is love. Worldly love can only close it a bit. It’s spiritual love that sets us right.
I have many books to write and things to do. I’m done trying to find myself. I found her.
Even if I can’t convince the world there is a God, I will still have faith.
I had this idea to reach out to Ricky Gervais via twitter. He interacted with me once before- he retweeted an article I wrote about his show Derek. I mistakenly wrote Derek: Difference Not Disability. I didn’t know that would offend the disability community which prefers identity first language > person first language. SOOO I took the article down. The tweet was on my site for a while. But anyways, I watched his show Afterlife and there were a few times I think God showed Himself through this atheist. 1). He was at his wife’s grave and said he felt like she was still there guiding him even though he knew it wasn’t logical. 2). He didn’t believe in souls but if there were any, animals would have a soul. SO that kind of thinking shows me a void and a misunderstanding about life. Nothing matters if it doesn’t go anywhere spiritual. The things we do unseen go somewhere. The people we lose are with us. also 3). He tells a cancer patient he believes in heaven because he can’t bring himself not to. This also showed me some sort of understanding people need to believe in God and heaven emotionally. He just didn’t know he was sending this message! Anyways, I wanted to tweet at Him then God stopped me and was like “He made his choice. It’s too late.” That was hard for me because I genuinely want him to succeed. He retweeted my tweet a long time ago and I felt lucky. Now I know the article was wrong and that he is not well. That is personal opinion. I think he refuses to believe in things out of twisted logic. He refuses to listen to near death experiences, miracles, healings, ghost recordings and anything that science can’t prove (yet). There is so much evidence for God! A friend once told me it’s about what we decide is evidence. So if we decide personal accounts aren’t evidence, we ignore them.
As someone who had a unique NDE, I know Ricky is way wrong. But he has good in him towards animals. Doesn’t he know they can read his soul? They feel deeply and know us for who we really are. They are healers. That’s why we love them so much. My greatest passion is animals. But I also know that he is refusing to see. Why? He has a void he’s filling with other things. This void is ego. He is filling it with ego. With being right. These things show that he is not well.
So I can’t save everyone! But I saved myself and some people along the way. I won’t ever reach out to Ricky again. I know that the article is removed is for the best. I know that I have a faith that no one and nothing can shake. God has proven Himself to me in many many ways. Ok I just tweeted this article to Ricky oh well! LOL and this thread: https://twitter.com/sarahjbrowne/status/1343650431319289856
Lastly, I feel like these medium posts matter in some way. Like if I ever get an author platform or become a public figure for real, they note my process and how I think. They capture the real me.
Thanks for reading!
Here are two pics I found from a suicide prevention ball in 2014 I went to. I also put one into my YA book!