Personal Reflection 2/18/22

I finished The Choice by Dr. Edith Eger, holocaust survivor, and wow was it impactful. She references Viktor Frankl and Corrie Ten Boom in it, two holocaust survivors I have also read. She says something interesting. She forgave Hitler (not condone there’s a difference) and said there a Hitler OR a Corrie Ten Boom in all of us. It’s what we choose to be. She uses her story to give therapy to many people such as alcoholics, grieving parents, eating disordered woman, a homicidal man, vets with PTSD and more. I didn’t know I was going to come out with my own healing, but I did.

I was inspired for my YA to list her name among others my character Ever names of holocaust victims who inspired change. (He mentions two things written on walls in concentration camp- one is against God, one is still believing in God which I found interesting). Then I thought of a woman named Jeanette van Galdern a holocaust victim that was tweeted by Auschwitz Memorial on twitter. I had a dream that God said “Look how beautiful she is.” When Ever my character is grappling with belief in God, I have him also dream this and tell Payton who is questioning everything. This was his answer, as it was mine. It was a powerful spiritual experience for me, I felt Jeanette was telling me to be happy. That she was okay now.

I’ve had some other spiritual experiences. I mentioned in my last post that I heard the voice of Jesus say “Follow me and everything will be alright” when I was worried about feedback I sent to someone who oversees the mental health services in my area. Then, it happened today. I was taking a walk with my dog and I was praying for my dog’s health issues and my life and I heard it again. “Follow me and everything will be alright.”

I also saw that I was on the brilliant road, my symbol and motif in my writing for authentic road…that it was okay if I was the only one on it. I was alone. My vision is that unique.

I’m writing scenes in my YA about Corelle (stepmom) and Payton, having tension and fighting and miscommunication. It’s closure for me as it was inspired by my experience with Elaine Grindel, my dad’s girlfriend who died from cancer. I forgave her for things. We had a “happy” ending, coming together with a bond. But I didn’t get much time to have a relationship with her. There is unsaid. I’m making sure Payton gets to say these things. It’s important that they go through a journey together. I have her scenes outlined along with scenes already written. When Corelle is dying from cancer she calls Payton her daughter. It’s a redemption story and a book of wisdom.

With Eli her stepbrother…I’m exploring telling spiritual stories and Christian meditations since he’s a kid needing positive redirection. There’s his disabled friend Thatcher who is a Buddhist Christian teaches them tonglen (which is when you send healing to someone suffering) when Corelle is dying. That is the only instance of Buddhism in it, and I make sure to say Buddhist Christian.

I’m both. I decided it. I know aspects of it conflict. A lot. But I don’t think God would turn people away with different views. I think that He wants to bring them together like “Okay this works for you. Now bring Me into it.” So I went into a trance during tonglen and after wrote one of my best scenes in my YA of Payton telling her friend Skye she felt suicidal and like overworking to get into Harvard was all she had. Skye offered her a shoulder to lean on, even though it was Payton’s intention to help HER out of trafficking and homelessness. It’s a mutual help, they both promise things to each other. But that one scene where I reveal Payton is broken at the start came from a meditation. She was confused and hurt at the beginning already, but I realized I needed more of a transformation, that I needed to take her brokenness further so people can truly relate and find healing. This scene was cathartic for me.

I’ve been watching NDE YouTube videos (I had one) and it’s interesting how they vary, how some are with Jesus, how some aren’t, how some show different views of Heaven, some of hell and what to avoid, angels and prophecies. What I would have to say is this- take it all with a grain of salt. Pay attention to your own spiritual experiences. There are things that can be easily thwarted, such as someone’s agenda to promote a certain view even if the NDE didn’t say this. I have had things come together for me that proved my NDE.

If I didn’t have an NDE, I would doubt EVERYTHING. I would be angry at God. But I have spiritual experiences and meditation visions of reassurance all the time. I see 222s all the time. I have a whole thread on twitter of them. Once my pinned tweet had 111 retweets and 222 likes for the longest time. I asked for an answer recently and saw a ton of 222s and 111s in a day. I even saw a 1111 and then once I looked, the number went up as twitter likes. So I caught it right at that second. How does that happen? The chances are slim to have this happen. So that is my own spiritual proof for others.

But I’m not here to prove myself or what I think.

I know that the holocaust was something I grappled with the most in life. That level of suffering in the world. How God can let that happen. I read Corrie Ten Boom about her faith in Jesus as she was sent to a concentration camp. Then I had that experience with Jeanette’s picture on twitter telling me she was okay now. I feel guided to share these experiences in one way or another. I put them in my YA mainly.

I know that the God thing is tough. Why does bad happen? I have trouble with this too. God didn’t save me from most things in my life, but somehow, I am okay. Somehow I am able to be normal after years of PTSD and struggle. Somehow I found the right meds for bipolar disorder. Somehow I found a new vision for my YA which I thought I failed due to a friend’s misguidance. Somehow I made opportunities where there were none, such as volunteering for Tiny Buddha. Somehow I made meaning, healed from my past, found catharsis in my writing, got into Forbes, lost Forbes because my article was too deep and powerful (but they kept it up), and saved myself.

Even so…I doubt God all the time. This is coming from someone who had a NDE, spiritual experiences, meaningful serendipitous experiences with other people, survived hell on earth, signs and meditation visions. AND I STILL DOUBT. I’m like “What am I doing? What am I doing this for?”

I have to be honest. Nothing will ever be enough. We will never be satisfied. I know that there are other forces besides God that make the world so hard. He doesn’t have control completely. And that’s something people have trouble accepting. BUT HE IS STILL THERE AND HEALS ALL IN HEAVEN.

If God spared me from so many things- mental illness, learning disability, bad side effects of med like swallowing and breathing issues, brain injury from two bipolar breakdowns, poverty, rape, abuse, hunger, preying men, being discovered by a brand manager only to be his target for many years instead of choosing his path towards fame, loss, pain, neglect, trauma, PTSD…If I am here, happy, sane, safe, complete, forgiving with closure and at peace…then there is a God.

Thank for reading and following along,

Sarah