Personal Reflection 4/30/22
So I’ve been struggling with accepting my past and letting myself be happy in the present. I cringe and wake up in shock with PTSD for my whole life when I was unstable with Bipolar before I got stable on current meds. The illness was mostly contained, but sometimes it came through. My mania made me move quickly and just keep working. My thinking wasn’t as clear. I have ADD too which is more of a focus issue. I have dyscalculia and a general learning disability. I’m pretty sure I have autism too. All my issues impact each other. And they are atypical.
I was impulsive. Erratic. Lonely. Depressed. Manic. But I kept it hidden even when it was destroying me. Why? I had nothing and no one to take care of me. I tried psych meds which almost destroyed me in high school so I avoided therapy. I had one therapist in my twenties a Christian one come onto me. So bad experiences.
I had no accommodations for my disabilities as they are so unique and inconsistent. It’s not just learning a different way; sometimes, I can’t learn at all. But lately…since getting stable…I’ve been able to retain information better. I’m reading a lot and putting new ideas together. I’ve been finding myself. I am on disability and not ready for a job.
Sometimes I could do math in life. I helped autistic kids with their math and even made worksheets for them. Then after the breakdown, I can barely add. But in college I couldn’t do precalculus. I don’t know why it’s inconsistent like that. I have trouble with board games if they’re hard. I have trouble with driving. I have trouble with cooking directions. I have trouble with directions in traveling. I have trouble remembering facts. I forgot a lot I learned in school since my breakdown. I also have some memory issues — not of memories themselves but the subjective experience of my life before I got stable.
All of this is hard to admit. I have self stigma. It is also again atypical. There are things I excel at, and other things that I’m challenged at. That’s why I think I have autism. I can’t track or control my disabilities. Sometimes I learn and sometimes I don’t.
With my ADD, it’s interest based. I’m trying to make myself reread college books, but my brain wants to learn new information mostly spirituality and psychology. I’m using human rights research for my writing too. So even though I want to work all day on past things…I have goals that push me to focus on what I need to know right now.
It’s complicated, complex and overwhelming. I don’t know how to explain it to anyone. So I will just be real with it. I’ve uncovered a lot about my faith and how to use it through mental health issues. I’ve made meaning of my past. I’ve mostly forgiven myself for my flaws. I don’t think I could learn like I did in school again. Just differently. I can’t keep up with my past manic self.
The thing is…I’ve messed up. I’m imperfect. There are things I can’t fix. I can’t go back in time and stop myself from being impulsive.
I was in danger all my life because my instability didn’t let me see through abusers.
And yet somehow…I believe in Jesus.
How is that possible?
I don’t know why. I thought about giving up many times, but I cling to Him with all my might. He’s moved mountains for me. He’s made me see things that others don’t and fix them. He’s made me a voice for certain things. He’s pushed me to write everyday and search for the truth even though I’m hurting. He’s made me read. He’s made me care for myself and my dog. He’s made me fight for my life.
Even when I don’t think I’m worth it.
I don’t think I deserve happiness based on past instability and shame. I struggle with that. I struggle with self-forgiveness for things that weren’t my fault. I don’t think I’ve ever been this open before. But I messed up a few times in life.
I’ve been given a second chance at life. Do I live haunted by my past or do I move forward? I’m doing a bit of both.
I don’t have the answers. I’m not here to tell you I figured this out.
But I had a powerful spiritual feeling today that Jesus was with me. And it’s an amazing feeling. It’s worth everything.
Even when things are a mess and not okay, He comforts me.
I don’t think I deserve that comfort. But He still reaches into the heart of me.
And I will choose to live. I will write books and do good with my life. I will spend the rest of my life making up for my unstable moments and will fight for God.
But the beauty of God is He doesn’t need all that. He already forgives me. That’s what grace is.
I am saved. It’s about my soul not the world. I may fail in the world but as long as I hold onto God, my soul is saved. So I am doing that.
Maybe in heaven things will make sense. For now, I can’t try to make sense of the senseless. I can’t ask why God allowed certain things, why He didn’t step in sooner, why it took til my 30s to become this stable.
I’ve also done a lot of good. I gave children emotional support that their parents weren’t giving them in various jobs. I guess that’s the best gift I’ve given. I’ve done things I’m proud of. I’m very proud of my writing for Forbes and other places and more things I’ve done. I’ve experienced a lot — good and bad.
I’ve been lost and now I’m found.
That’s why I am able to save others. I know what it’s like to be lost.
Thanks for reading,