Wanted: The Missing Gold Tooth That Took My Youth By Sarah Jeanne Browne

I prepared my tooth for the toothfairy as soon as I was old enough to know about her. I never held anything tighter under my pillow, conflicted about selling it for money to the Tooth Fairy. Afterall, it represented the loss of my childhood and growing older. What kind of person collects kids’ teeth? Think about that. It will keep you up at night too. Was it a serial killer lurking?

The sad news is I actually lost it rather than give it away to the Tooth Fairy. It wasn’t under my pillow. Gulp. I swallowed it. Critical thinking was blocked by the ticking clock that the tooth fairy would be there any second. I would get that money for myself. I didn’t need her tricks! I never did what others told me to do. I picked my teeth with barbed wire instead of toothpicks just to tell off pricks. She’d have to cook me and turn me into stew in order to find what’s true. I made a wish that it would be real gold so that I could buy my first goldfish. Anyways teeth grow gold on their own! All you have to do is let them go. She could get the others; This one would find me as its home!

Years passed…I never told anyone. I let my other teeth fall out dispassionately. The Tooth Fairy lost interest in me for a while. Now I see my parents did. But that’s another story.

I never experienced a toothache.

Until the day it returned to me…as all things do when they’re really in love with you. But this isn’t a love story. So I’m not sure why. We never officially gave our names. It became a gold tooth. So I decided to call it…Gold Tooth. Here’s how it happened (in case you were wondering, the suspense is suspended here because I lost my suspenders and I’m still searching for the suspect…They’ve never been in the same room as The Tooth Fairy.)

I was expecting nothing from the experience. They say the best things happen when you least expect them. They don’t say the pendulum can swing either way. So sometimes the worst can happen. I prefer to not care rather than not to expect. It leaves all my work unfinished and bills unpaid but one day I’ll get away…with my Gold Tooth!

The Gold Tooth was a seed. It didn’t show up in my bowels. I didn’t throw it up. It just seemed to soften in my stomach and find its peace. A peace with me for letting it go. It would never go home or to Tooth Heaven.

It was stuck in Limbo.

Until one day I decided to pull it out.

Not the way you might think.

I read about spells that can pull teeth out. It was much cleaner than the dentist. I tried everything! Please keep your imagination to yourself.

So I was sixteen at this point. I held onto my grudge that the tooth never was found or became something else. Maybe I wanted to be the Tooth Fairy and steal my parents’ money. I knew now that’s where it came from. I felt betrayed and relayed intense squirming for years trying to unlock the tooth inside; They were convinced it was my mind. I put up flyers all the time “Missing Gold Tooth From My Youth. And Also My Youth.”

I swallow pills now.

It doesn’t cure the fury. My tooth remains buried.

Then one day…I was eating soup. A thing most people do. I was about twenty. And I gagged for a moment or two. Something was coming up from inside. A new will. A new life.

The tooth came out.

But it wasn’t an ordinary tooth. It was like I always dreamed.

It was like the Goose that laid the Golden Egg.

It was pure gold. There was no decay!

The only problem was I was about to go on a date. It was a rainy day. I saw a garden outside. My roses were dead. I wasn’t a good friend. My parents called now and then. I had no one but this date to look forward to.

But then…I also had this Gold Tooth.

Perhaps I could give it away?

It wouldn’t be stolen this time. It would be my will. I would tell my parents I wasn’t ill. They would come back into my life!

So I put a bow around it. When I say bow…more like a floss I tied pretty. I’m not that fancy.

And my date came to my window. Perched beneath the bushes, I saw she was watering my plants. But it was also raining so what gives?

“Hey, what are you doing down there?” I asked.

“Oh, eavesdropping. And seeing what you dropped. I hope you don’t mind. Your flowers are dead…like my heart.” She said. So it wasn’t to be a love story.

I did mind but I didn’t have the mind to say it. Then I realized I dropped the Gold Tooth unbeknownst to me out the window. I had been staring in a daze. It was how I spent most of my days. Now I was spending it on her. I didn’t remember her name, but she had red fiery hair and freckles that made you dare to connect the dots.

So she held up the Gold Tooth.

“What is this?” She asked. I think now her name may have been Eloise or Alice or something pretty but not too unique. You see…we haven’t kept in touch. Who would after touching a Gold Tooth from a guy you didn’t know? Anyways at that moment I thought she was the one. And the way the sun shone on the Gold Tooth would make anyone come undone. I’d MAKE it love. I always took matters into my own hands.

“Do you think it may grow…into something real?” I asked.

“Well it did make you 8’11.” She said. So she knew I swallowed it like a seed. And here this whole time I thought it was normal what was happening to me! Ducking was a way of life. It was my way of avoiding strife.

“Huh?” I said. Sometimes I asked questions when I didn’t have a reply. It mostly went that way. My parents told everyone my head was in space.

Then she clasped it in her hands, a devilish look overtook her. And wings grew from her back. She stretched. I realized now she was very thin. And only 3 feet tall. Just my luck! Can’t have it all.

She laughed maniacally and said, “I know the Gold Tooth Grows into the Soul of the One Who Harvests Good. Because you’ve been a good boy, I’ll give you something in return. Not money. Something else. You’re too tall to kiss. So don’t even think about it.”

“Sure,” I said, nonchalantly. I’ve seen weirder things. Like bee stings that die. They kill you just to take their lives. I’ve never felt that guilty. So she couldn’t take my will from me.

Then she just disappeared. I waited for years. Just like before.

That whore!

She cheated on me and the game.

There was no reward. She stole my Gold Tooth!

It was all for nothing.

And now I’m back to being a bore debating whether to ever leave my kitchen door. Would she return?

I grew old with grief. It took over me.

Then suddenly something happened…Years of not brushing my teeth.

I grew a new Gold Tooth. Not yellowish and stained like dirty teeth. It was bright gold. It cost me the world. I never left my house; Never changed jobs; Never found true love.

I finally had it. The Gold Tooth.

Now what to do with it?

I was back to the same dilemma.

I could do anything! Be anything! Go anywhere!

But I couldn’t even climb the stairs. So what do I do?

I decided to try it again.

I swallowed my friend.

Anyways now I’m 222 years old and getting smarter each day. Eventually the toothache in my stomach will go away. I just remembered I lost my goldfish…I think I swallowed it too. What to do, what to do! Some people think I have no clue. I tell them I’m going fishing in my own stew. They’ll never catch on. I’d meet my spawn. It was the dawn of a new life — all I had left to do was to make my bed. Perhaps that’s what caused all of it. The mess, the meaning, the moments of everyone leaving me. They said I didn’t have it together. But I could always tell them the weather. That was something, I think! Mental clarity is much better up here where the clouds tell you where to stare. The missing gold tooth took my youth but my sanity was still there.